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If you're a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don't have to sell you anything. 
I think I'm gonna start giving ugly girls the phone numbers of guys I hate.
Saw a mail truck in the cemetery today. I guess they have started delivering the ballots!
My High School Dropout, Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student...
it's Monday everyone, hope you've had your Tiger's Blood!
I'm watching hoarders...getting decorating tips
Circus + shopping = Walmart
I don't care how healthy you say it is, a shot of wheatgrass is what giving Swamp Thing a bl*wjob would taste like.
Remember: Eat your school, stay in drugs, and don't do vegetables, ok? :)
Reasons people claim to be gay: 3% - are actually gay 97% - forgot to log out of facebook
BREAKING NEWS: Fox News reporting that Anderson Cooper is, in fact, a tax.
Good new and bad news. Bad news: No good news. Good news: No bad news.
After meeting an ole high school friend for lunch, she said "my, you smell good, what do you have on"? I replied, "I've got a hard on, but I didnt know you could smell it"!
Why the "McRib" which is made from "McAss" and tastes like "McPuke" is so popular, is beyond my comprehension!
now currently accepting resumes for a Full and/or Part time girlfriend. All applicants may apply within. You will be contacted with a call back if you meet the appropriate requirements. Thank you
When playing The Telephone Game, I like to whisper to the next person, "I'm going to kill you," and then nod and smile encouragingly.
There is still no cure for the common birthday
slipped on the ice today. After landing I looked, but couoldn't find my keys, wallet, or watch. It must have been black ice.
I don't mind if we invade Syria as long as the President is out in front leading the charge.
I hate when people talk on there phones in public restrooms. Who are you?? Ricky Martin?!?! You ain't that damn important 