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All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall, lean in and whisper, "I'll do your housework." 
I need a grub buddy. Kinda like a f*ck buddy, except when I hit you at 2 am you better be ready to stuff your face with me.
Take it from me: Don't try to redeem those "Free Blow Job" coupons after you divorce.
LIfe is simple. Be yourself. Find something you would die for. Be loyal to those who deserve it and tell the rest to go f*ck themselves.
People who laugh so hard at their own jokes that they can't even finish the joke because they're laughing so hard are my favorite kind of people.
The first rule of Low Self-Esteem Club is: I'm Running a test to see who really reads my wall... If you do , please leave one word response...
Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain... Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]
When your sassy personalized license plate promises a lifestyle your Hyundai can't deliver.
if you never ever looked at your bank balance and rationally thought about the benefits of prostitution and drug dealing, you're a liar my friend.
Perfect Pickup Line For April: "I want to do to your body what the IRS does to your income."
And yes,,, My marriage is mainly apologizing for saying something hilarious
Yawning is your bodies way of saying 20% battery remaining.
I look both ways before crossing a one way street now, that's how little faith I have left in humanity during this presidential election year.
There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks.
I'd have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place with more laundry than my house is prison.
It's hard to drink coffee while laying down in bed but I'm trying.
I wonder what bathrooms Bill will use if he becomes first lady?
A "clear memory" button, but for my brain. And while we're at it, a "delete cookies" button, but for my thighs.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he's expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I had assumed Netflix's The Do-Over was about Adam Sandler traveling back in time to fix his career. I was wrong. 