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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off... 
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
98.23% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak
renting out his status box as advertising space..
A Ghostbuster... now everyone can stop asking who they're gonna call.
just kissed my man, stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breath of fresh air, sipped my coffee, looked up, waved to neighbor, perfect morning! What could go wrong? Crap! forgot to put pants on!
considering going back to school to become a veterinarian and a taxidermist...either way...you get your cat back....
Still trying to figure out who defriended me...
you wouldn't happen to have your missing DVD player's remote... would you?
Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
remember the police are sort of like dogs, they usually don't chase you unless you run.
my favorite coffee is made from the shutthehellup bean 😡
Celebrating "Thank-The-Lord-That-Stupid-Brown-Thursday-Black-Friday-Cyber-Monday-Marketing-Crap-Is-Over" Tuesday.
At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter. I nearly choked on my #Bacon
Those with no sense of humor have no idea how much entertainment they provide those of us that do.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.
The next person to tell me it's Pi day is going to die.
plantar fasciitis is my arch nemesis.
Secure passwords are important. So I named my dog "x_9J6B=oM%" 