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Life is a puzzle. Stop trying to place people where they don't fit. 
ThatMomentOfPanic as a kid when one of your parents is coming at you with a belt..................."Do I stay or do I run!!!"
Why is it so hard to find a soothsayer in this day and age?!
The Jeremy Kyle show........ The only place a baby has more teeth than all 4 of it's parents put together
My life is like this. I need a spoon but the only thing they offer are chopsticks.
i wish my shower at home had a knob for a "spot free rinse".
If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results
They say to call your doctor if you've had an erection from these pills for more than four hours... but what if your doctor is ugly?
thinks it's hilarious that some people see any comparison at all between Wall St protesters freely demonstrating and slavery.
Just saw a commercial for the new movie "Hop". I don't think I'll ever look at jellybeans the same way again! ;)
Empty bottle of Tequila......Waking up fluent in Spanish.......Coincidence?? I think NOT....;)
welfare and/or food stamps with no intentions of ever working; and 535 useless people in the U.S. House and Senate. Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer!!
Why can't I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?
Screw you IHOP...why the hell am I banned? The waitress clearly asked me where I wanted the whipped cream... I just showed her.
I said to my niece, “There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome' and the other is ‘gross'.” “Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”
Lets take a moment and be thankful....for yoga pants.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Thursday.
I just spilled ranch dressing on my keyboard then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
North Dakota State campus evacuated due to a bomb threat. Both students are suspects...
I will get drunk and dress like Batman tonight. The city needs me. Unfortunately, wife won't let me out the yard when I'm dressed like this. 