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Bob Seger is a much improved chess player. He's been workin' on his knight moves. 
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at a time
Weekend plans: Driving around downtown throwing Big Macs at girls with a thigh gap...... *bonus points for getting it into the thigh gap.
Hillary wears them long pant suits because she dosent have the typical "Camel Toe". She has what some people call "Moose Foot"
Updated Nursery Rhyme: Mary had a Chevy truck, it was so very slow, and everywhere that Mary went, her truck would need a tow.
Hillary isn't the first woman to say I'm deplorable, and probably won't be the last
What's the appropriate snack for watching the series finale of America? Heck, it did have a good 240 year run.
Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago.
Just tried to kill a roach with Axe Body Spray, now it's name is Brett and he won't shut up about crossfit.
Madonna's actual offer, since her affair with A-Rod, is "Free Herpes to everyone who votes for Hillary!"
I was just kicked out of a restaurant because of my pants. Wasn't wearing any.
Who ever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy.
You never hear anyone singing, wishing they can all be Alabama girls.
Hello, Acme? I'd like to order a rocket and a pair of roller skates. Oh yeah, and a sign that says "Yikes." ...No, I haven't caught him yet.
Anonymous goes to doctor. During the prostate exam he says, "Hey doc your ring is kinda hurting me, can you take it off?"
The Doctor says "I'm sorry, that's not my ring that's my watch."
I used to be a male trapped inside a female's body. But then I was born and everything was OK.
And in the news today. Keith Richards is not dead yet. . .
Trick your neighbors into thinking that you’re a werewolf, by sleeping naked in their garden.
Ghetto Winnie the Pooh would probably say, “Tigger please.” 