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Went on a date and didn't look at my phone for 3 hours. Getting the wedding invites printed tomorrow. 
There are hundreds of ways to make a woman happy and only one to make a man happy: LEAVE HIM ALONE.
I would rather lose you than lose myself.
You won't be able to talk after I give you multiple sarcasms.
Every woman is beautiful, but some are only beautiful in the dark.
I met a girl who told me she was a hopeless romantic. I don't want to be with her if she's hopeless.
"Pay attention to me when I'm ignoring you!"- women
Why can't the devil just swallow his pride and beg GOD 4 forgiveness so we can all go back to the Garden of Eden & live happily NAKED.
Then god said: how can I make men act stupid?...then he created women.
Note to self...apparently management doesn't find the game of hide-and-go-seek as amusing as I do....which sucks cuz I had an awesome hiding spot!!!
I save a lot of money on therapy because my childhood imaginary friend earned his PhD in psychology.
It's ironic that you mean "coincidental" when you said "ironic" because, ironically, you dont know the definition of "irony."
I check your profile once a week to see if you posted a nude. Sue me
Any woman can find a problem and complain about it, but great women know how to fix them.
I will not only make you say my name, I will also make you spell it!
In this hyper PC country we live in, shouldn't murderers be called "Post-life experience Faciliters"
It's pretty cool that evolution knew we'd eventually need pinky fingers to hold our phones.
When I was your age I was raising Pokemon, not babies
This bar is the perfect rest stop during the long walk home from the liquor store.
Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already! 