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Michael Vick says he wants a dog someday. Which is a little bit like John Wayne Gacy saying he'd someday like to have a teenage boy. 
I'm not saying you're a D!ck but Brett Favre just texted me your picture.
knows your thinking about me, why else would you be reading this!
America has a whole day dedicated to a film starring Will Smith...
figured out that the shin bone is intended for finding furniture in a dark room.
as bored as a midget in a theme park
OMG another wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl! Did anyone else see Pete Townsend's belly????
Party tonight, bring booze or chicks. Seperate, or one already in the other. Your call...
Does Red or White Wine go better with Swedish Fish?
a little nervous today....i am having plastic surgery...gottta cut my credit cards up..and its gonna hurrrt ♥ ♥ thoughts and prayers please!!! :)
had absolutely no sympathy for the large woman who dropped her mars bar in front of me today but physically couldnt get down to pick it up
HATE: a SPECIAL KIND OF LOVE GIVEN TO PEOPLE WHO SUCK!
Happy Earth Day!! Time to plant all the greens burned 2 days ago.....
I can't help but notice the majority of People Magazine's "Never Before Seen Photos" are photos I have no desire to see at all..
how am I supposed to look at the glass as half full when I drank all the beer??
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I think that the trouble I have with trouble is that it usually starts out as fun.
When you argue with a woman, its like the war in Iraq, [pointless and with no winning]. When she all of sudden stops and smile at you...you're already dead.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
There's a fine line between excited and obnoxious. I call that line Richard Simmons. 