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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but raccoons are terrible in bed. 
I invented the cold air balloon, but it never really took off
Can’t believe we gave up hunting and gathering to pay rent.
They are not my haters, they are my fans! They just don't know it yet.
I hate how "lol" turns a perfectly good conversation into awkward silence for at least 10 seconds
The first person to fabricate a muffler for a Dentist's drill, will make a fortune!
..after reading the side effects – pale stools, facial tics, constipation, sore throat, hives, chest pain & mouth sores – for erectile dysfunction pills, I've come to a rational conclusion: It's totally worth it.
So Martha Stewart just turned 70 and is still bangable..... Either I'm losing it, or I am setting the bar really really low.
With the possibility of the NFL season being cancelled, you would think that no players would be going under the knife, but...
OMG! Got an invite to The Royal Wedding! YES! Wait, oh crap, it's for the wedding of Ted and Nancy Royal in Columbus, OH.
I heard the Royle wedding is having a horse drawn carriage or Prince Charles just calls her Camilla
Can I fill my gas tank with Bin Laden's blood?
I'm not lazy. I vacuumed today. I believe vacuum is the scientific term for it...
Local news is like Facebook. You get stories you don't care about, some jerk talks about weather and it all ends with pictures of animals doing funny stuff.
I want to meet the skeletons in your closet...
at the zoo today with all the little kids running around, oh wait a minute its just Walmart.
Dose the show glee remind anyone of the Mickey Mouse clubhouse?
Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
I wish Caillou the very best, but there is no way that whiny brat is surviving past middle school!
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association 