Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never be as funny as those novelty shirts from Spencer's.

   I just finished watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth.

   When I do something stupid, my first thought is whether it would make a funny story or I should take it to my grave.

   I wish that I could record my dreams and watch them later.

   Would you be freaked out if I told you that I was updating this from inside your closet?

   Two generations that were unable to go to bed without their stuffed animals or blankies now feel the same way about their phones.

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you argued with them. Now you just delete them off Facebook.

   It's sad when you can see how long you slept by looking at the time between Facebook status updates.

   I think it's not the morning that's bothering me. It's the awakeness.

   Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.

   I think that someday we'll look back on all of this and blame someone else.

   I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I'm going to have.

   I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.

   Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an "All the stuff you can microwave" aisle.

   I pretend to like people everyday. It’s called being an adult. That’s why we’re allowed to buy booze.

   I wonder if it's possible for someone to have a baby and NOT make it their Facebook profile picture.

   When you realize you just clicked "Send" on a text to the wrong person, and you quickly hit every button on your phone to try and stop it.

   You know when you finish an extremely hot shower, throw open the door and cold air hits you full force? I'd like that in a Gatorade flavor.

   How is it possible that one of Michael Jackson's doctors is on trial... and it's not his plastic surgeon?

   Everyone is a Freak, it just takes the right person to bring out that side of you.