jitney Funny Status Messages

   If I win the Power Ball, I will buy two lbs of cheese from Whole Food.

   that moment when This morning I had call 911 on the truck with the flashing lights in behind me that passed me....turns out it wasnt a cop on the phone, its was the dispatcher.

   Columbia is going to invade phillipians......um did I spell that right? After watching the Pageant ...Im confused also

   If you think that age is just a number, then prison is just a house .

   My daughter is having a modern day wedding, no church... it is 2015...Break tradition. So the wedding will at a museum...

   I was in the backyard with my wife.A bird dropped its poo on her shoulder. She yelled: Disgusting. .. get me paper towel or toilet paper. I looked up in the sky and said: it is probably a mile away. Plus, birds do not wipe their aasss.

   She put her makeup on. I said : So this is how you become a ten. She said: So, this is why women leave you. Another one bites the dust.

   Feeling sad is better than not feeling at all. unless you into your feelings....

   Why must I prove I'm me, if I'm callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!

   When asked what's the capital of Greece? Greece is bankrupt and it has no capital.

   Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff....Duh dum chhsh!

   She said: "I miss the old you." I know that she meant the young me

   I love the surprised look on a woman's face when I tell her that she drew her eyebrows too high.

   Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it

   A badasss, is an idiot who survived.

   That channel is all Hawt blonds and old dudes. Every show from Fox news looks like a party scene from Weekend at Bernies

   When an ignorant person feels that he won an argument he loses. When he loses an argument, he actually wins knowledge.

   Harrison Ford was lucky. Ten yards left and he's out of bounds. That's a one shot penalty, and he'd had to retake his emergency landing.

   "Stupid Left Shark takes one misstep during a Super Bowl and now he is famous " - Right Shark(-_-)

   I realized Freedom of speech has an expiration date... -Not valid when your in a position of influence, not valid when its being use as a weapon, and definitely not valid when I've got to listen to my wife!