lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?"

   Jesus is on Twitter, but unfortunately he's only got twelve followers.

   wonders if when people write "..had an interesting weekend ;) ", that they really mean "had a weekend watching tv and eating cheesy puffs but I wont let you know how sad I am"?

   .. lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about this.

   I always give 100% at work:13% Monday 22% Tuesday 26% Wednesday

   I got a letter from the Origami Association this morning. I don't know what to make of it.

   I found out why smarties are round today.So they fit in the box.

   I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

   how come no matter how prepared you are for your toast popping up you still get a shock?

   I brush after every meal.And the Dentist says my hair looks lovely.

   ..hates her internal clock. It doesn't have a snooze button and it hurts to throw herself across the room..

   knows the difference between a straight girl and a lesbian. About a bottle and a half of wine.

   wonders when a seeing eye dog for the blind has a crap,who picks it up?

   What has 10 brain cells, 200 legs and 400 children? Jeremy Kyle's Audience.

   I got my gf a bag and a belt for her birthday. She wasn't happy, but the hoover works fine now

   Who else, when they buy a magazine with a CD on the front, picks off the glue that holds it in place and rolls it around their fingers like it's some kind of mega snot?

   Came out the gym the other day and someone asked me how I got that body.I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the boot and there she was".

   Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

   If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

   If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?