SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Well guys, if you want to have a baby born on 11/11/11 better go home tonight and put the meat to her

   Just lost my job at the funeral, I guess I'm just not a mourning person

   A lot of my friends and relatives are getting married, I don't go all out on gifts anymore after my marriage, I just buy them all the same thing, a label machine- and with it a card that says in two years you will thank me…

   And then it hit me, reality- just like when you realize the chicken you ate last night wasn't cooked all the way...

   There is not a worse feeling in the world than being at the Dentist when he has to use the restroom, you hear the toilet flush, you hear the Lysol spray- You don't hear the hands being washed….

   I once asked my Dad if it was ok to love a midget, he said son- It just depends if you're nuts over her.

   Nothing worse than getting paid on Friday, after you spent your entire check on Thursday

   That's the last time I go there for breakfast, nothing ruins an appetite faster than a waitress that has so much facial hair she looks like Chewbacca's sister, eggs anyone???? I also cant help but wonder what this lady's shower drain looks like :/

   Outraged that Charlie Sheen turned down my offer to do a spin off show called 2 ½ grams…

   Has decided to file a lawsuit against Trojan for royalties, my dad keeps telling me I'm the reason they invented condoms.

   I'm starting a cult, calling it Sheenism, you pretty much just get drunk and do whatever the hell you want, but you get a free What Would Charlie do Bracelet.

   If evolution is true, apes would still be evolving into humans.

   There is nothing worse than being stuck in a car with cold feet and having dog sh*t on your shoes :/

   Am I the only one who watches prescription drug commercials and while they are listing the side effects like, dementia, loss of vision, and thoughts of suicide, suddenly think of an ex?

   I was getting ready for a costume party, and tried leaving the house in my boxers holding a bottle of wine, my gf asked me what are you doing, I said I am going as Charlie Sheen..

   Not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies.

   I found out I have CDO. It's like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be

   She was like the apple God warned Adam and Eve about

   After a long first game the Cubs seem to have been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention, Congrats to Ryan Dumpster, 6 runs in 6 innings not a bad start..