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Ya know, in France they would have called it the "Royale Baby with Cheese". 
This girl once told me she wanted me to do it doggy style, so I licked her face, crapped on the carpet, and bit her mailman in the ankle.
I have been calling my girlfriend "honey" for 6 years now, because I'm too embarrassed to tell her that I forgot her name.
It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
Pretty cool how I lock my phone like I won't check it in a minute.
Things I wish I could unsee: 1. Miley Cyrus twerking 2. Miley Cyrus riding that foam finger 3. Miley Cyrus
Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
I stopped talking back to the voices in my head, and now they’ve started texting me…
If you workout at the gym, but don't post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
Please promise me that you will kill me if I ever get Amanda Bynes crazy.
"We're losing her." -sanity
What happened in 2012 stays in 2012...
I love that you can pee anywhere you want at Wal Mart.
My girlfriend said I treat her like she doesn't exist so I told her I didn’t even know I had a girlfriend.
Pro Tip# 101: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will almost always forget their original question...
Things that make you go hmmmm: If Harry Potter's so magical, why can't he cure his own eyesight?
Then God made saturn. God liked saturn so he put a ring on it.
The problem with finding out who your real friends are, is finding out who your real friends aren't
I'm one of those people that tried this at home.
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." George W. Bush 