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I like escalators because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You'll never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize that you can still...get up there. 
Just wondering why I was getting dirty looks from the clerk at the general store at 4am the other night. All I did was purchase Black garbage bags, duct tape, bleech, and latex gloves.
Freedom means the right to yell Theater in a crowded fire
Why do people feel the need to let everyone know that they are deleting numbers out of their phone........Like I really give a FUGG
2 blond girls on opposites sides of the lake, The first one yells to the 2nd "How do I get on the other side?" The 2nd yells back "You are on the other side"
If things aren't going right, go left
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Excuse me, are those Bugle Boy Jeans your wearing?
Facebook people often post things far too personal. That occurred to me while in line at the druggist getting Anusol.
my face is leaving in 10 minutes - be on it.
this may sound crazy but I got head on my mind ;)
I'm white but not "hires someone to hang my Christmas lights" white...
According to my Magic Watch you're not wearing any Panties,. Oh You Are Wearing Panties. Well Then It must be running 15 min fast.
7 years ago I met the love of my life and have been blessed every day since then... I love you Nutella.
Finally throwing out my Thanksgiving leftovers. I don't even remember making turkey yogurt.
I'd like the chicken-fried steak please.."Um lemme get back to you". * runs to kitchen, "YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK?"
Can we have a song about being happy that doesn't involve clapping?
Memorial Day is the day where we spend time with our loved ones, who are sometimes a pain to live with, to remember our loved ones who are painful to live without.
I need a new bad decision.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I... shhhh shut up. You shut up. 