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Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you have to do is stand and say “Hi my name is Tom and I am an alcoholic”. 
Jake from State Farm is one ugly woman!!
roses are red violets are blue.....and since I'm single my balls will be too
Grammar died so that Facebook could live.
If you could choose between world peace or Bill Gates Money.......what color would your Maserati be?
Hey teenage girls, Santa saw your facebook. Now you're only getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.
Alcohol in its pure form is not a solution ( nobody should ever drink pure alcohol ) , but vodka, tequilla, rhum and whatever are solutions... So yeah, I paid pretty good attention in my chemistry class :-)
I feel sorry for my poor dog today. He is really sad :-( He wanted to spend Mothers Day with his Mom, but he doesn't know where that bit ch is.
Most Facebook updates should be like this: Hi everybody, I didn't have anything meaningful to tell you. I just wanted to waste your time.
“You guys are jerks for eating those living things. You should eat these living things instead.” - Vegetarians
The term "swag" was invented in the 60s by a group of gay men as an acronym for "Secretly We Are Gay." No wonder Justin Bieber thinks he has so much of it.
I keep it real like a bad magician.
FACT: One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
If you have a tattoo in a language you do not speak or understand, then yes I'm allowed to judge you.
It’s a little difficult to worry about starving children in Africa when we still have people in America using flip phones.
Did you know..... President Obama's inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans
I don't call it "Drinking Coffee" I prefer "Installing Java."
People, sharing some company's photo to "win" something is a scam. Just like nigerian lotteries, social security and obamacare...
Dear NASA, thank you for wasting 75 million government dollars to bomb the moon because you THOUGHT you saw "ice"..... I mean really? I think I see ice in a pothole on my block, can I have 200 mortar rounds and a launch tube so I can make sure I'm right?
PLEASE put this on your status if you know someone who has been eaten by a dragon. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn't know, they can breathe fire. 93% of people won't copy & paste this because they have already been eaten by a dragon.. 