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*Justin Bieber goes to jail *Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest *learns cellmate is dyslexic 
Attention!!! Christmas has been canceled this year!!! I told Santa that I had been good. He died laughing...
If her p*ssy tastes like vinegar, she wasn't expecting you to get this far.”
Tim Tebow: "I'm a Christian" Me: "I don't care" Jason Collins: "I'm gay" Me: "I don't care"
My wife does all the cooking. Except the meth. I cook all the meth.
If lifes a B*tch, Then Why Hasnt It made Me a Sandwhich?
My sister just texted me that she’s pregnant… I’m gonna be a dad!
riding ponies outside Wal-Mart. . .I need quarters
Do you think the black iPhone run faster than the white iPhone
All of my passwords are "incorrect" so my computer always tells me if I forget.
Tired of the dying person who keeps emailing with his billion dollars. I hope he dies soon so he would quit sending the emails.
thinks cocaine is a good way of telling you that you make too much money
NO Katy Perry, I have NEVER felt like a plastic bag!
Next time send the navy seals after Casey, not the Orange county sheriff
i'm not a stalker I just like impromptu games of follow the leader...... to their house
Tattoos are bumper stickers for the soul.
Driving down the road I saw a person hitch hiking, the sign read "Heaven Bound". Me being the good person I am, I hit that person, I hope they made it!
May the fourth be with you.
I knew that I could outdrive Tiger Woods
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dogs face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he cant wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?? 