Funny Status Messages

   I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn't dilute in the shower.

   Dear p0rn stars, bright shiny bleached a$$holes are great and all, but acne free a$$cheeks should be a higher priority. Thanks.

   Have you ever seen a flock of geese flying in a V formation and wondered why one side is always longer than the other? It's because there are more geese on that side.

   Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.

   At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"

   + + + R.I.P Claude Choules.....the world's LAST surviving veteran of WWI, who died peacefully at his hostel home in Salter Point, Western Australia, at the mighty age of 110. I salute you, Sir. May you have the long, dignified sleep you deserve. + + +

   I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

   The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.

   Why are porn DVDs 8 hours long? I was done before the opening credits.

   Why do leprechauns laugh when they run...? cuz the grass tickles their nuts..

   This Jack Daniels tastes a little bit like I'm not going to work tomorrow.

   If you are really "friends" with that many people on facebook, why are you alone standing in front of a mirror taking a picture of yourself? Cant you get one of your 867 friends to take it?

   When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.

   If you mean sleeping, then yes, I'm great in bed.

   ‎3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!

   I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly an idiot.

   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they ate all my oreos and were always peeing on my toilet seat.

   Life was much simpler when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.

   If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red velvet suit, if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, with 9 tiny reindeer pulling him along, then you have to face it your eggnog's too strong

   If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.