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I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous but I'm proud to say that I still we are the same size shoes I did in High School! 
: Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic. Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me: I miss the good old days Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope? M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit W: I despise you
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it's even weirder than you imagine.
Plot twist: two birds kill YOU with one stone.
"Here, let me suck as much life from you as possible." -jobs
Until you lean in to hear a seven-year-old's whisper, you don't realize that front teeth act as a retaining wall for spit.
Maybe the Mayan world-ending prediction in 2012 was more of a suggestion
The fancier the design on the back pocket of the jeans, the less fancy the person.
A taser but for people who say "it is what it is".
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y'all know who's splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Captain: relax, it’s just a title Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE *crowd nervously looks at each other *meek yet courageous man steps up M: No.
Me: *goes for midnight jog* My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
7 years ago today I swallowed gum..... and now we wait
My horoscope today just said "NOPE"
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile. 