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Never underestimate an underachiever. We're capable of less than you think. 
I'm doing a marathon today! 14 hours of Law & Order SVU!!!
"I have explosive diarrhea" can pretty much get you out of any social commitment.
I never had a near death experience. But I did once take a cab through Manhattan during rush hour.
Not many people take kindly to me. I really like those kinds of people.
It's bad manners to ask someone how many people they've murdered.
Working out in my basement. So far, no one has hit on me.
You're only as attractive as getting your photo taken in the middle of a yawn.
Hiccups: Karma's way of saying " I'm busy right now, but heres a lil somethin something to annoy the shit out of you for a while
Had sex last night and was told "I loved every second of it" And now confused?!?!?
Anyone else wanna go out for next Halloween as "Narcissistic Introverts with Alcohol and Drug Dependencies coupled with Porn Addictions" ........... or is it just going to be Me again ?
Anyone find an hour can you please return it thanks. . .
Sure, "my day" will eventually come. And I fully anticipate it will be heralded by an unexpected explosion of the Sun.
Oh yes - please give me more unprompted stories about your kids. I'll just keep imagining injecting my brain with an overdose of Novacaine.
Made it to that level of drunk where you knock over a display in a convenience store.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we'd never know. We'd never know.
With this election it is easier to scream at the enemy than it is to own your embarrassment
Wednesday I will have 50% less friends on Facebook.. let's see who makes the cut
I'll never delete another email again. Just Twitter.
And that's why some people shopuld never play poker 