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Marriage Is Like A Deck of cards, In the beginning all you need is a Two Hearts and a Diamond, As it Progresses You Wish You Had A Club and A Spade 
Wonder if Unemployment will be sending me a Christmas bonus this year.
Santa is really going to enjoy the cookies he gets from Alaska, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Nevada, Oregon and Washington this year.
they are making new a fast and furious and a new transformers movie. any hope I had for 2017 being a good year has fast evaporated
So, Mick Jagger is a new father at the age of 73. I guess time really is on his side.
It always seems impossible until it's done
All those against armpit tickling raised their hands..... *And what happened next is history.
I like sleeping because it is kind of like being dead but without the commitment.
Justin Bieber looks like he needs to be cast in a Home Alone movie.
I think I'll open a Vietnamese restaurant that never closes and call it "Twenty Pho Seven."
If I had a penny everytime that I thought about you, my pants would fall down.
I bet toilet paper rolls in CIA offices all have the 4th Amendment printed on them.
I was thinking about the wikileaks revelation that the cia records people through their cell phone. It occured to me that they must have millions upon millions of hours of nothing but the sound of a toilet flushing.
I miss the 90s when grunge rock made bedhead cool and fashionable.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
How come when ur wife's pregnant all her female friends rub her tummy & say 'congratulations!' but nobody rubs your balls saying 'good job'?
Pin Up Boards - A good reminder to let you know you're getting old or that you have too much Sh*t going on in your life that you need to remember!!!
How can you look at some of the people you see in Wal-Mart and still believe in Intelligent Design?
Me and my band 'The Black Eyed Teeth' are releasing our new single 'I've got a filling'
This has not been a good time for crzed dictators. First Saddam, then Osama, Charlie Sheen better hide!!! 