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As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well...except mom was ticketed for littering 
spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the app so I may need new meds..
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
My 8 year old daughter hasn't stopped talking in 32 years
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a "who wants to sleep on the couch" contest.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
The kids are asking why I'm wearing sunglasses in the house today. Spiked their morning OJ with vodka so we are on the same page.
My New Years Resolutions for 2019 are to stop procrastinating, to quit leaving things to the last minute, to get things done in a timely way, and to stop expressing the same idea in three different ways.
I'd like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means "wow that's fantastic." Her texts are so much more fun now.
This Halloween I'm going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn't answer the door after 8pm.
When it's late and I can't sleep,,, I curl up with a good book and bang it on my head until I'm unconscious.
can we all agree if you're old enough to get a job and buy candy, you can't trick or treat anymore?
Even my imaginary guitar gently weeps at the sight of the last drop of wine.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
33,000 people attended Hillary clintons rally/ concert yesterday. I wonder if they received the tickets via email..
Wonder how many FB friends I will be getting back now that the election is over?
whelp, let me carry my deplorable ars to bed. . .
Defense attorney: "They were on their way to choir practice".
If my "check Fuel" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it 