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Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet 
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
If you want to go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came, then your probably a alcoholic.
Just cleaned up my friends list, so if you can see this post it means you've made the cut because your special!....or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on.
I like robo calls. I get to make up new cuss words.
Dec.05 Repeal of prohbition day..... I'll drink to that.
When it comes for the New Year's count down, raise your left leg. That way you'll start the New Year out on the right foot.
t takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
If some of you people are giving up booze for January, but still want those lovely pubs to be there when you get back, some of us real heroes are just going to have to buckle down and do your drinking for you. Don’t thank me. It’s what I do.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window
It wasn’t the hundreds of selfies with snapchat filters that bothered me that much. It was the fact she actually had bunny ears and freakishly oversized eyes when she showed up to dinner.
Life is like a box of chocolates you never know which one you going to get, if you can't follow directions and just look at the little chart on the back of the box.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I've spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife's shirt to actually stay on this hanger
Typing the word "skepticism" is like playing Pong with your keyboard
"I don't have anywhere else to be, and this bag of lettuce is really interesting. I'll read every word on the back of it and then I'll put it back on the shelf." . . The person in front of me at the grocery store
every toddler is just a mini version of Jack Skellington... "what's this, what's this"
"Kill Bill" but it's me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
you know your farts really stink when the dog get up and leaves the room
Women aren’t hard to read For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your sh*t out You’re done bro 