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I miss the '70s. The music. The clothes. The fact that I wasn't born yet. 
If a few years ago I'd have told a therapist I was having dreams that this election was happening I would've gotten some really good drugs.
I'd rather watch a murderous horror flick than your wedding video.
These robbers did not need guns, they could have threatened Kim K to put her clothes back on and she would have still fully cooperated.
Kim Kardashian was robbed again in Paris because they needed re-shoots for her show.
I try not to think about things I can't control like war and poverty and my personal life.
If I ever become a ghost I'd wear something with pizazz, like a snazzy bow tie or something.
Did you know that some tickle fights result in someone peeing their pants and someone's corpse being dumped in a ditch.
In an attempt to appear younger, I've begun referring to my kids as my siblings.
Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.
The problem with my new job is that I like all my coworkers which gives me a lot less tweet material than my last few jobs.
Let's disagree to agree. That's my motto.
For Halloween, I'll be dressed as a slutty nap.
Stopped at a red light next to a cop car, I always roll down my window and say "I don't have any guns or heroin if that's what you were thinking."
The person who invented winking was definitely a little sketchy.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark? Me: party?
Her: What sign are you most compatible with?
Me: Krispy Kreme's hot and ready sign.
With my luck, I'll be reincarnated as me again...
She is like a low profile tire, sexy, but gonna cost you a bunch of money.
Whoever said "Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today" knew how to log out of facebook. 