Funny Status Messages

   n't it interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering

   Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.

   Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…"Lose weight now" ...”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.

   It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist's finger before she stops believing that you're doing it accidentally.

   Dear DR Phil, I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was having a wank I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?

   When people try extra hard to cover the keypad as they enter their pin at the ATM, I always want to whisper, "I saw it" when they're done.

   cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass...

   Never be ashamed of who you are. Be ashamed of who you pretend to be.

   When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."

   Ever see an ugly woman with 3 or more kids, and wonder to yourself, "Who KEEPS f*cking you?!"

   I was alone in the house last night, lying in bed, and all of a sudden I heard someone fart. I didn't know whether to laugh or be scared as hell.

   It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

   born at a very young age.

   If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.

   All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

   Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat.

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was a toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   Due to the Global Financial Crisis, Ke$ha will now be known as Ke¢ha.

   What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved...Do you SEA what I did there?...I'm SHORE you did, BEACH.