aaron Funny Status Messages

   Today is going so slowly my life is flashing before other people's eyes.

   Lumber companies have a lot of board meetings..

   I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that's for here."

   It's the most... wonderful time... for a beer.

   I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.

   "I drive like lightening." "You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees."

   Why doesn't someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it's toasting.

   Officer: You know why I pulled you over just now? Me: You didn't see me the first two times?

   I asked a cow if it had a beef with me. We both laughed and laughed and then I ate it.

   Life is a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff coloring book with missing pages and pop-ups.

   Be patient. The longer you wait for me, the sooner I will arrive.

   My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed thinking.. "Wow, I can teleport".

   Rosetta Stoned: When you get so high you think you can speak a different language

   People who throw foreign words into conversations to make themselves appear cultured are küntz

   [dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time

   I'm sick of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had a woman from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful...

   If my roof ever catches on fire, I'll have trouble not repeating myself when I call 911.

   nothing makes me forget something faster than your reminder.

   Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

   I may be addicted to brake fluid but I can stop at any time.