SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Maybe Congress should try a Bake Sale.

   Disclaimer: I'm really bad at judging what size Tupperware container leftovers will fit in.

   "The guy you dreamed of isn't available, so they sent me instead." What all dudes should say on a first date.

   If someone from the future's reading this: this is how we used to waste our time in the past.

   Sometimes it's too hard to hate everyone all at once, so I hate people in shifts.

   Telling someone they "look tired" is the best way to insult someone under the guise of "caring."

   I try to get out of my car with my seatbelt still on far more than any person should,

   I just told a child that PMS stands for 'Prepare to Meet Satan.'

   I never say ”I have a bone to pick with you” cause that sounds stupid, plus a nose hair is more accessible.

   Ok, if I agree with you and say I'm codependent will you promise to never ever leave?

   If Moses were alive now I'd like to think G0d would be cool enough to give the 10 Commandments on a convenient flash drive.

   A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record.

   HEY PEOPLE DRIVING IN SNOW, IF TRAFFIC'S REALLY BAD MAKE SURE YOU TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THE ROAD AND TYPE IN A TWEET ABOUT IT, OK?

   Accidentally picked out soothing paint colors and now my panic room is ruined.

   I sincerely wish you the best. I just don't want to hear about it.

   They discovered bed bugs can procreate with their siblings. This is not the image boost bed bugs needed.

   I always thought GTFO meant Great, Terrific, Fantastic, & Outstanding... so, I guess all those people weren't paying me compliments after all!

   There needs to be more "damn it I missed my exit" exits.

   Remember, life isn't about accumulating stuff. It's about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.

   You better hope my wildest dreams don't come true.