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My wife bought me an adult coloring book. I need a bigger variety of flesh colored crayons 
I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
why call it a tree trimmer and not branch manager
Remember when 'sex,drugs & rocknroll meant something other than 'sundays, anti-depressants & turn it down?'
I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth.. Last time I buy a Larvae lamp.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
pro tip....today invest in buying Energizer & Duracell stocks
I was never insane except that temporary moment when my heart was exposed.
My wife was mad at me today so I put a cape on her and said, "There. Now you're SUPER mad."
I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?
Don't believe your eyes or military satellite photos. Just blindly believe what a guy tells you. If you do, then please contact me so I can sell you shares in my unicorn ranch.
What if we boil the lettuce first?
You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. Youre moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. Youve just crossed into Facebook!
If you can laugh at yourself you can save others a lot of trouble.
I’ve realized that the penguin may be the only animal on earth that falls over more than I do
Got my DNA test back from Ancestry.com. They sent me a pack of seeds and told me to start over. FML.
I hate people who are too stubborn to let things go just because they don't want to be told "I told you so".
Gave This Homeless Man $5 And Told Him Not 2 Buy Drugs With It and This dude Got The Nerve To Say "Don't Tell Me What To Do With My Money
I wish I had as much closet space as people in horror movies.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche. 