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I just want to be rich enough to get away with 2 murders. 3 tops. 
Be careful if you are thinking of getting a rescue dog. My grandma got one and when she fell and couldn't get up. The rescue dog just sat there staring at her.
Life is just one, giant, wrong hole.
"Let me stick my straw in your juice box" - flirting is easy
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water.
Take the guesswork out of romance by dying alone.
I’m “imma keep this box cuz it looks like a good box” years old.
I seem to have discovered a new diet plan that appears to be really working for me that's called The Cost Of Food.
If you get a full 8 hours of sleep do you die?
Keep the earth clean! It isn't Uranus!
Once you eat the good cheese, you can never go back.
Weather forecasters have identified yet another tropical depression in the Atlantic Region which could potentially grow into a mega storm of epic proportions. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has appropriately named it Common Core Math
“Did you check your pockets?” - to a kangaroo who’s lost a child!
When I was a kid I thought I would never grow up to be the type of person to go out running every morning. And I was right.
You know you're really not liked at your job, when they relocate and don't tell you where.
Found a great feature Facebook has that not only gives you more privately, it blocks drama and give you more free time to do the things you want to do. And if you'd like to try it go to "Settings" then to "Account Ownership" then click on "Delete Account"
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term Me: Don’t kid yourself
[3am] Me: My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed. Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here? Brad Pitt: Let him stay. 