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Likes to practice my "emergency situation" speed at by pretending I'm being chased by zombies or a murderer every time I unlock the door or start the car at night. 
After getting out of bed and not seeing the shoe that one of my dogs left in hallway, I have come to the conclusion that gravity is a b!tch.
I'd stand a much greater chance at checking out those spam porn emails if they didn't read something like, "young cuties horses XXX mother/son gangbang bondage erotica!" Uh, all at the same time, or...?
The only magic trick I know is transforming a full potato chip bag into a trash bag.
You know the economy is bad when...Congress decides to keep their hands in their OWN pockets.
Constipation is like teenage love: can't sleep, can't eat, and it hurts when it leaves you.
Does anyone think that Snooki's latest "Disorderly Conduct at the Beach" have to do with her stomach being out?
it takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning
Being's today is Earth Day i'm gonna do my best to make sure it revolves around me.
I had it made in the shade and then a limb fell on my head. FML.
The phrase "The Juice is loose" now has a new connotation.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Pizza is like sex, even when it's good it smells like cheese.
The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.
Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.
I remember how proud my wife was when she taught our baby son how to walk and talk. Now that he's 5 she's trying to teach him to sit down and shut up.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
It's not complicated....it's confusing & stressfull
I ran a half marathon once. (Actually that's just what I tell people. It sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died half-way through a Full Marathon.)
I don't have psychotic episodes. They're more like a miniseries. 