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I just found out they sell universal remotes at Wal-mart. Wow! For just $9.95 I can control the whole universe! 
Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder? Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.
"I don't feel good." -James Brown's last words
One man's trash is another man's profile picture.
A guy just busted down my door and claimed to be a Bounty Hunter. I said, "You won't take me alive!" He looked at me as if I had two heads, then stole my paper towels.
Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”
The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. And get this, the list only cost me $300.
*At Super Bowl Party Sunday* Hey honey, they've got a WHOLE bunch of jumbo shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
If coronavirus isn't about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor? - me as a marriage counselor
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
If I ever get a dog, I think I'll name him Peeve. Then I can introduce him as my pet peeve.
Sorry I've been slacking. I was looking at ways to track my Stimulus check yourself and came across Stimulate yourself. Damn I need a cigarette now !
We have so much in common. You love to travel and I want you to go
Had I known back in March it would be the last time I'd be in a restaurant, I would have ordered dessert.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Our reality has become a nightmare from which we cannot awake.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Excuse me, but does this sumo wrestler costume make me look fat? 