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I just threatened to stick my toes in my husband’s beer in case you thought I’m normal in person. 
I got a restraining order from the Costco bagel sample lady.
Does everyone have that neighbour who fixes his car every weekend, even though nothing is wrong with it? That’s twitter in human form.
Threesome? No, thanks. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd have dinner with my parents.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview? My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Why don't top sheets have a fitted bottom so that mf'er stays tucked in?
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Stronger Together. WTF does that even mean?
I feel sorry for Bill Clinton, now he'll never become the First Lady! :p
That moment when you go to hit the "Like" button and it turns to a heart and you're like "Whoa whoa whoa, I don't like it that much."
¡¡¡¡ǝʞɐʇsıɯ ʎq pɹɐoqʎǝʞ uɐılɐɹʇsnɐ ɐ ʇɥƃnoq ı dlǝɥ
wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] me: I'm having an affair
Please God all I want to crave is lettuce, amen.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a weekend for me.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
So, have all you rocket scientists who were still shooting off fireworks at 4am get it out of your system till the 4th of July? 