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Budweiser has rebranded itself as simply "America" this summer because "Fermented Garbage Water" wraps too far around the can. 
Threatening Americans by saying there'll be "a taco truck on every corner" is like threatening The Kardashians' with more magazine covers.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
Scientists say the Earth is now reflecting too little light back into space. The biggest drop came in 1987 with the death of Liberace.
Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam....
hey didn't Bernie wright a fantasy essay in 1972 fantasizing about raping people? .... Naw .... Dems don't do stuff like that
There is no doubt in my mind that if people could vote from their couch at home on their X-box or PlayStation, Hillary would win in a landslide.
United Airlines just received failing grade from the health department for having blood on its Chinese take out.
A man knocked on my door yesterday asking for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water and shut the door.
My wife dragged me kicking and screaming to this play. Somebody please kill me. ~Abraham Lincoln
I just listened to Usher "Let it Burn" and now I think I have Herpes
I always felt like a boy trapped inside a woman’s body… then I was born.
D: What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea ? P: I don't know. D: I never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.
I call my pecker Whitesnake because here I go again on my own.
If there are no snacks, don’t even bother inviting me to your orgy.
First paralyzed human treated with stem cells has now regained his upper body movement. So, what's so bad about stem cell?
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but the only thing I'm positive about is that I have an attitude.
Did my own taxes. I'm getting $750,000,000. Might be looking for a place in Mexico. 