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I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700's because guys kept checking their treasure maps. 
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Blowing on the vodka in my coffee cup to convince the rest of the Zoom meeting it's coffee...
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns. I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?” Now, I’m blocked.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I made a belt out of herbs; what a waist of thyme.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
My favorite part of Forrest Gump is when a guy with an IQ of 75 gets accepted to the University of Alabama.
Looking on the bright side of being in quarantine… Now all those stolen office supplies just look like good planning.
A university's study of the human brain said the only difference between a wowan's brain and a man's brain is that the woman's brain is located in their head.
"Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche." -Rejected Shakespeare line.
Some sheep can't see past the Shepherd ...
Every time my wife and I have sex, I put a dollar in a envelope. With the money I save up, I use to buy her anniversay gift. This year she getting a Mar's bar.
I can drive a woman wild with my tongue!
I say..‘Have you put weight on?’
I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and phones while they're at the beach?
Everyone is playing Pokemon again, Blink 182 has a #1 song, a Clinton is running for President, Tarzan is in theaters. Welcome to 2001.
black lives matter on or off this week?
On this date 10 years ago we lost my good friend and drinking buddy Roy. We found him 2 days later and continued drinking. 