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Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed. 
The public is jealous and takes pleasure in destroying good relationships. So what the public doesn't know exist, the public can't destroy. So lets keep our love a secret baby and let it live.
women know if they want to have sex with a guy within the first five minutes of meeting. How long until they wanna cook?
My life: Wake up, mess sh*t up, have fun, sleep, repeat.
According to WebMC, I be illin'.
After today's news, I am pretty sure the Clinton's kryptonite is Weiners.
Nothing puts me into the #Christmas spirit like #shopping. On Dasher, On Dancer, On Prancer, On VISA.
"Oh wow, it's a fruitcake! I'm going to eat it right now" said no one ever.
2 out of 10 people at Starbuck's today said, "Thank you," when they were handed their coffee like basic human decency is so fuckin' hard.
There are as many white rappers as there are black country singers and for the same reason .
In hockey and in women.. periods temporarily stop the fun .
Overture, turn the lights! This is it. The night of nights. No more rehearsing and nursing a part. We know every part by heart! Overture, turn the lights! This is it. We'll hit the heights! And oh, what heights we'll hit! On with the show, this is it!
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If a fart can get through underwear and a pair of jeans how can a mask made of cloth protect you from Corona?
$1.4Bil stimulus sent to people who have died when there are folks still waiting for their 1st check? who cashing em?
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now I speak with a strange axe scent.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
You are going to die, there’s no question about it. The question is, are you going to live. Because, half of the people in this world are not living.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW] Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in 