Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
I'll never forget where I was the first time a girl called me 'Sir'. 
Relationship status: running for Mayor of the friend zone.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic
Tried to milk a bull once, needless to say, farming isn't for me!
Everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian, but nobody is laughing now.
It's so romantic that you didn't press charges.
I've been working out so much I'm losing my voice from telling people about it.
We all spend our lives tiptoeing around trying not to say the wrong thing or offend anyone. So, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna do that h ere.
If the leader of the free world has time to tweet, then you have time to return my texts.
If killing them with kindness doesn't work, just kill them.
Ego and Super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, Guys, I'm gonna need to see some ID."
I always give fat people wrong directions so they can get much needed exercise.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me...
Amber Alert, but for the TV remote
HEALTH TIP: If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, Google it before taking it.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question 