Funny Status Messages

   I thought about joining the neighborhood watch... But my neighbors just aren't that attractive.

   Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.

   Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends

   kiss me I'm Irish, and slip me some tongue cause I think there's a lil french in there too

   I'm living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people! Respect it!

   Most people like to say living the dream, I perfer to say surviving the nightmare.

   If the government would charge a 3% stupidity tax on themselves alone, they could pay off the national debt in no time..

   Twitter account ✔ Facebook ✔ Google Plus ✔ Youtube ✔ Messenger✔ Skype ✔ "Dude do you have a life?" "OMG!! No, send me the link!" :P

   ❒Single ❒Taken ✔ Unable to find love because my standards have been set unrealistically high after mentally dating a celebrity.

   The irony of a blow job; Even though you've got her on her knees, she still has got you by the balls!

   Ladies; if you don't know how to dance, just spell your name with your butt. Problem solved.

   Don’t try to rush me while waiting behind me at a Redbox, I will read what every movie is about…twice

   ''Please punch in your account number, phone number,and the last four digits of your social security, so I can transfer you so they can ask you for those same numbers again!''

   Many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. They fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh.

   ..... Geez ...... those movie critics in the Middle East are a tough crowd....

   Kanye West would be proud of the amount of times the two candidates interrupted each other tonight.

   The girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.

   B*tch, you're not high maintenance. A Ferrari is high maintenance. You're just a pain in the ass, like an old Pinto.

   I don't like morning people...or mornings...or people.

   I called my doctor and told her I have an erection that's lasted longer than 4 hours. We're meeting for drinks in 30 minutes.