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Scientists plan to clone a woolly mammoth and bring the prehistoric creature back to life. I sure don't see what could go wrong there. 
I've finally collected enough rats asses to give to everyone on my list.
I've spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.
I often wonder what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables.
If cinderella's shoe really did fit perfectly, then why exactly did it fall off in the first place?
Most common lie used by women.... "I dont usually do this the first night"
I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand.
Did you know that if you drive past the first drive thru window your food is free?
Why is that girls in tamp0n commercials dance and laugh? Shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burn!ng sh!t down?
Cops: “Please step out of the car” Me: “I can't. I'm drunk. You get in.
this a political message board or a status site ?
Two things define your Personality, The way you manage things when you have nothing. The way you behave when you have everything.
"When I was your age, I lost my tooth. Not my virginty"
Twitter account ✔ Facebook ✔ Google Plus ✔ Youtube ✔ Messenger✔ Skype ✔ "Dude do you have a life?" "OMG!! No, send me the link!" :P
❒Single ❒Taken ✔ Unable to find love because my standards have been set unrealistically high after mentally dating a celebrity.
The irony of a blow job; Even though you've got her on her knees, she still has got you by the balls!
Ladies; if you don't know how to dance, just spell your name with your butt. Problem solved.
My wife and I have are talking about renewing our vows. Or as I like to call it, getting a double life sentence.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don't check their phone for 3 hours.
I thought about joining the neighborhood watch... But my neighbors just aren't that attractive.
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