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"That's it. I'm done. I'm never hanging out at a swimming pool again."~ Marco Polo 
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Own any thing you want, but don’t let any thing own you.
Luckily, this pretty, single girl has me for a neighbor. My 24 hour surveillance is keeping all the pervs away…
Just because I don't refute all of your crazy rants does not mean I agree, it means I have your feed blocked.
My wife sure gets a kick out of my restless leg syndrome.
My wife said, "I'm leaving you because you always blame everyone else when things go wrong." I said, "And who's fault is that...?"
Just so you know the new rules to CPR,,,, there's no more blowing, just pumping,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I know,, It's like the romance is gone
This is going to make Thanksgiving uncomfortable next year at the Harbaugh house.
Girls, holding in your farts has got to be an even more nerve wrecking dilemma when your man is spooning you right?
I love Facebook because I can't afford gas for my car anymore so it's the only way I can visit with anyone now.
Some call it "being naive", I call it "just not caring enough to look into it any further" ...
I like my women like I like my ribs. Sticky and all over my fingers.
Ladies, if you ever need to fend off an attacker, just start talking about what's been going on in your life.
If you think about it, did Gary Busey really survive that traumatic brain injury?
wasn't Fellatio one of the Three Musketeers?
My signature move has been foiled by carpal tunnel and tennis elbow.
So the Kanye West sex tape has been leaked... It's just footage of Kanye wanking while looking at his own reflection in a mirror.
People hate pigeons because "they are dirty and spread diseases" but the Kardashians and the cast of Jersey Shore do it and pigeons don't hate them....just sayin
My boss just called me an a$$hole and said I never listen. I have no idea why, I made his coffee with two teaspoons of salt like he asked. 