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The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog. 
3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((
If stupidity was fatal, it would be a wonderful world and a lot less crowded.
My dream girl would lovingly push me in a shopping cart through the liquor aisle.
This outbreak of storms is like p or n to the meteorologist's!!!
I am trying to give Kim & Kanye their privacy. I just wish they would accept it.
Your hair smells like it wants pulling.
My husband said, "Good Morning" and thats how the fight started.
Google's Apple glass knockoff will attachea small screen on a frame above your eyes, they're gonna call it the iBrowse.
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms... 2. Describing tumors... 3. Playing golf ...and the ever popular "Garden hose refference"
Sex so good...she even made the neighbor a sandwich.
Cute Things To Call Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend On Valentines Day: 1. Sugar. 2. Honey. 3. Flour. 4. Egg. 5. 1/2lb Butter. 6. Stir. 7. Pour Into Pan. 8. Preheat To 350 Degrees.
By the time this is over Sanders won't know wheather to wind his watch or get a job.
Behind every successful woman there is a man staring at her butt.
Yesterday I saw a donkey crossing the road... the funny thing, he looked both ways before he crossed. What a smart ass....
I just want America to be great again like when my dad used to pay my credit card bill.
Forgive me if I unfollow you...God only gave me so many brain cells, and I'm not about to lose them over these retarded posts you put on Facebook everyday.
I didn't know Harriet Tubman was a dead president?
For all of you people making fun of Republicans out there, Just think .. almost half of the people out there vote Republican and there are more out there than you think, One or two might be staring at you right now while you are staring at ur stupid phon
I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available. 