Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems. 
Sometimes I think I'm pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sunlight and poop out oxygen.
When pronouncing my name, the "Hey A sshole" is silent.
They just caught your girlfriend on river monsters
We will rock you until another one bites the dust and we are the champions.
Difference between cinco de mayo and St Patrick day is that no one wants to be a Mexican on cinco de mayo
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Apparently referring to a Menage at Trois as a 2 for 1 snack pack will get your Christian Mingle profile deleted
I’m sorry our dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
it just me, or does Jerry Nadler look like he should be baking cookies in a tree.
Dr. Phil was on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called “not getting your arse* beat”!
my nephew turns 3 this august but since money tight we just not gone tell him
I started taking Metamucil today in case you’re looking for a regular hero.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Remember: Wearing a mask when driving a car by yourself is only helpful if you stole the car.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Inauguration Day 2017 Gas $2.29 Dow 19,819 NASDAQ 5560.7 Unemployment 4.7% Posting this so it will come up in my memories in 2020.
Atlanta won the popular vote
If your boyfriend wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day 