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-- I was playing golf with my missus the other day..She is absolutely horrific at driving and much better just using an iron the whole time. .....As for the golf she wasn't that bad...... 
How about you climb down from your high pedestal and join the rest of us! This is where you belong anyways...
Q: Why do women live longer than men?Because Shopping never causes heart attacks,but paying the bill does!
I can't believe there are so many privacy risks involved in broadcasting my entire life on Facebook
dear facebook,stop spamming my wall with dating site Ads or am going to change my relationship status from single to married and sue you for temptation.love,me.
Last night I said to the wife let's get rated R. So I pulled down my pants and she cussed and punched me in the face.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down...
I'm in the mood for Sushi but the Japanese place near me doesn't take credit cards. I'm gunna have raw toast instead.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Do it tomorrow. You've made enough mistakes for today.
Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there. I only used it for about an hour, as I started to feel sick, but it's great: it's got KitKats, Mars bars, crisps and everything in it
People who drink light 'beer' don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
always proof read to make sure you dont any of the words out
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
needs a hero! If not then at least a BLT....I'm hungry.
I like to screw with the customer service girl at Kroger.I go to the coinstar machine and put in 74 cents and then take the receipt to customer service just to see the look on her face!
A huge gym opened up right next to my local bar. No thanks, I'll just stick to my one-armed pint glass curls, drunk friend dead-lifts and pick-my-drunk-ass-off-the-floor push-ups.
Facebook now automatically scans your brain through your monitor. To block, go to your kitchen cabinet and remove the box of aluminum foil. Wrap foi laround your head, stay calm, and breathe through your left nostril. This is a serious problem. Copy & pas
Each day is a gift...Mondays are gag gifts!
I didn't go see the Social Network because I was worried I'd run into people from high school that I don't remember or didn't like. 