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I find it astonishing I can remember every wordto Wild Wild West by Will Smith, which I haven't heard in 10 years, but can't find my keys 
The Netherlands have 800 miles of massive dikes? That's one hell of a parade.
Facebook.. Where ugly people try to convince the world that they're cute..
Let's hope that Bin-Laden didn't make horcruxes.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest.
If the world ends tomarrow like they say I'm just glad I maxed out my credit cards.
If all the world's a stage, then where's the hook to yank off the idiots?
About 50% of the time “good luck” means “effff you.”
If you've got nothing nice to say let's sit far away from each other and yell obscenities across the room just to p!ss people off.
The sex is better when they don't belong to you.
Reading someone's status and thinking ‘OH CRY ME A RIVER'
On September 31st, 2011 Facebook will start charging you for your account. To avoid this, you MUST get NAKED, use a PERMANENT marker pen and write on your forehead the word S-U-C-K-E-R, and then stand on your dining room table and do the Macarena, all the
"Roses are grey, violets are grey, cars are grey, red is grey, all this sh*t is just grey"-guy failing a color blind test.
Everybody got that one friend that can't spell .. you gotta decode all their text messages.
Make your anger so expensive that no one can afford it and make your happiness so cheap that people can almost get it free.
Man, I could go for some mechanically separated chicken right about now.
R.I.P Nobel Laureate Prof. Wangari Maathai....
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
wholeheartedly believes I am someone's "evil twin", and I'm totally cool with that. What bothers me is that there is a wholesome, "goody-goody" douchebag doppelganger, somewhere in the world that has the ability to pose as me!
I have the penmanship of a 7-year old arthritic serial killer who's been authorized to write prescriptions. 