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Reading the bible doesn't mean diddly squat if you are gonna go ahead and misinterpret it. 
When I say I'm done with a facebook chat, that doesn't mean you can keep typing for another 20 minutes. It means I'M DONE CHATTING!
Thousands of stoners give up smoking weed to avoid having any association with Justin Bieber. Cleverest. Government. Propaganda. Ever.
Let’s get married. Well not married, but let’s share our stuff. Well not share, but give me half of your stuff.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
If you are ALWAYS posting status updates about your “HATERS,” chances are I'm one of them.
If a woman in a bikini is close by, a guy will make the simplest task look like a major construction project.
Guys, flowers die, chocolates make'em fat, shoes wear out & stuffed animals are boring. Don't be stupid, give her rocks. They last forever.
I stopped going to church when they said I had to attend the whole thing, not just the wine tasting.
Today, I had the greatest Sunday dinner ever. I can't begin to define the level of greatness that this meal possessed. It was so great, I can't actually tell you you how truly great it was. I had Frosted Flakes.
behind every successful man is a woman that didn't marry me.
Alabama has to use prisoners to pick crops since they scared the immigrants away. This explains the tear tattooed on my tomato.
according to lipton the best way to make tea is to agitate the bag so every morning morning I slap the wife on the ass and say two sugars fatty
just won 1st prize at the Halloween party for best costume which was male genitalia. I never even entered. I just went to pick up the wife and forgot to take off my bluetooth headset
RUMORS are carried by HATERS, spread by FOOLS and accepted by IDIOTS.
There is only one perfect wife in the world,,,,,and every neighbor has it !
thinking I should write a book about living with A.D.D., because I love home renovation. #squirrel
I told my cousin to embrace her mistakes. she cried. then she hugged her children.
Just looking for a special gal whose personality disorders match my personality disorders.
I fart, because it's the only gas I can afford. 