SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It's one part rum, three parts pum.

   Must be confusing for Sean Connery's grandchildren when he asks them to "Come sh!t on my lap."

   I like a girl who is not ashamed to have her crotch sniffed by my dog.

   The most awkward place to run into a homeless person is on your way to a Coinstar.

   I'm finally rich! I have...Silver in my hair, gold in my teeth, crystal in my kidneys, sugar in my blood, lead in my ass, iron in my arteries ans an inexhaustable supply of natural gas!

   Too late to hunt buffalo, too early to fight robots, what a d!ckless generation I was born into.

   When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That'd be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.

   Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?

   Wait a minute. I'm supposed to believe God is on the side of the quarterback NOT married to Gisele?

   I still say they would sell way more PT Cruisers if they would just put a ZZ Top logo on the side.

   Santa is the ultimate hipster. Works one day a year and spends the rest of the year judging you.

   Parental criticism getting you down this holiday season? Just remind them that coffins are cheaper than nursing homes.

   Last night I found an unopened can of warm Bud Light on the floor of a cab. I'll answer your question with a question. Did I have a choice?

   How nice would it be if when you started rubbing yourself a genie came out, finished you off, cleaned you up & left a chocolate chip cookie.

   I've stipulated to be laying on my side during my open casket funeral so it's convenient for anyone who wants to spoon me for the last time.

   1000 aches = 1 megahurtz

   I'd say popping your trunk to release 10,000 butterflies is the most magical way to elude the cops.

   The word "epic" has lost the right to exist.

   "To generalize is to be an idiot." - William Blake, or one of those other poet guys.

   I already know this is going to be a disaster. I pregret this.