Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   Attn. Northern People: Yeah, you should stock up on flashlights, but Lite Brites spelling "Were All Gonna Die" is festive and functional.

   Pooping twice is on my "two doo" list.

   Rocky Mountain High? John Denver was able to foresee the future! Well, except for the whole running out of gas in an airplane thing.

   "Yeah. I wanna watch you rub your clot while you duck me. I live that, baby." - I'm done with autocorrect.

   Snooki has given birth. This can only mean one thing to the cast of Jersey Shore: placenta shots!

   Carnival to Rename Cruise Ships 'floating nightmare 1, floating nightmare 2, floating nightmare 3, floating nightmare 4, floating nightmare 5 etc. etc. etc.'

   Women sleeping in Bras... Nice try Hollywood.

   I bet if you added them up Cher has had more surgeries than Chaz.

   I bet Abraham Lincoln killing vampires isn't half the movie as my idea about Bill Clinton destroying beavers.

   I am not a gynecologist, but I will give you some Frontline for that.

   hmmm, I wonder where the girls that ate the poopoo out of the cup are today?

   Judging from Axl Rose's physique, Paradise City has green grass, pretty girls and an abundance of Twinkies.

   Ok I put a staple in my finger today. Don't do that. Its not give birth pain but its like shooting heroin without the tingle.

   The passing out bit and the snoring is actually part of it, so yeah, a man's org@sm is so much longer than a woman's.

   "Pearl Jam" is my finishing move

   When I dance it looks like a baby covered in baby oil is constantly slipping out of my hands and I'm catching it.

   Saw the new commercial again and I wont lie, I like that new brown M&M character. Now we know what it would look like if Urkel and Precious had a baby together

   You ever get so coked up you dislocate both your shoulders dancing to "Pump Up the Jam"...Oh, me either.

   If you can't be with the one you love, throw yourself into oncoming traffic

   Why should I waste 5.99 on a bottle of stool softener when I can just do it by hand?