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Dear iPhone, Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shutSincerely, Every iPhone User . 
My co worker asked if I could help file some documents. I said I was working on a huge project while she watched me play solitaire.
When someone enteres the room while you watch porn, make sure not to just minimize your window... also lower the damn volume. Sorry mom...
Why is it that married, engaged and other supposedly “taken” women flirt much more than single women? Are they damn greedy or they just want to enjoy the best of both worlds?
I'm sick of having to capitalize "I." Whoever made up that rule sucks!
- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
The other 65% of Taco Bell meat is gorilla.
wonders why they sell windshield washer fluid in a gallon container, but the reservoir in vehicles only holds 7/8 gallon.
I run for 2 reasons: 1.) Running to get food (2.) Running to keep from being food
I don't have haters..I have confuse admires.
what can I say? Life doesn't get much better than beer and pancakes after midnight :)
"What's worse than voices in your head?" When the voices don't Speak-English.
i still dont know how to use the three seashells....
Rice is good for when you want like, two thousand of something.
When skinny women bend over to tie their shoes, They look like flip phones.
sexy, seductive and invincible ...No, wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that. Never mind
My son asked me why Piggly Wiggly sells bacon. He said, "Isn't that like them selling their soul?"
Putting a friends name on your status update box on accident while searching for them is pretty funny for all your friends and family to see. Unless your friend is a Porn Site.
shoutout to all the ugly b!tch's who have "pretty girl rock" as their ringtone. 