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Does power cleaning the whole house in 6 hours qualify for a medal in the Olympics today? just askin'.... 
a good night is always followed by a bad morning.
I'm always caught a little off guard when an airport security checkpoint worker shows symptoms of having a personality.
When love is not madness... it is not love.
I don't eat nuts at the bar. But I like to run my fingers through them and lick the salt off.
Chili usually comes to my rescue when I have things trapped in a hole.
The NFL should change it's name to the little girls league with all these rules. Football is a violent and physical sport, if you get hurt, it's part of the job.
When they tell you not to mix chemicals they're f*cking serious. On a related note: high as f*ck and my house might explode...
Skinny jeans is like a cheap motel..... NO BALL ROOM!!!!
a strong supporter of gay rights but he thinks we should also strongly support gay lefts because the two go hand-in-hand.
. If I flip this coin, what do you think my chances are of getting head?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Just went outside for a couple of minutes, according to my nipples, I'ts damn cold outside!
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
What's the difference if someone with mental illness come at you with a knife vs someone without mental illness comes at you with a knife?
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
The weather is 95 and hazy ..
kind of like Bernie Sanders.
As long as I have my hand up her skirt, she is my puppet.
If pigs could fly imagine how good their wings would taste.
i tried to catch some Fog but I Mist 