Funny Status Messages

   Its pretty cool how we cured Ebola with Measles

   If being successful was an amusement park, I'd be the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.

   It is incredibly ironic that the people with the most narrow and closed minds also have the widest and open mouths.

   I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say "hello?" so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

   Girl just told me her roommate sits around watching Netflix all day and never goes out and now I kinda want to meet her

   If you've spent more than ten seconds fondling and sniffing a fruit or vegetable you need to buy it otherwise it's disrespectful

   Spoiler for the new Peanuts movie: Peppermint Patty finally comes out of the closet and we learn why Marcie has been calling her "Sir" all these years.

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

   I'm pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and i'll let you know.

   I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre

   I didn't call you crazy. All I said was, "you look like you might own 400 cats"

   You know that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.

   Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?

   I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it...

   Dear Mr underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas...

   learned a lot about relationships from Super Mario Bros.....sometimes, You have to pound a few Dragons to get to the Princess

   I got a mosquito bite last night... Bet that little guy is pretty hungover today.

   If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember... you can always change your birthday on Facebook

   When I have children I'm going to make them watch the movie 2012 and tell them I survived that