Funny Status Messages

   Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

   I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

   There is a big difference between "friend" and "facebook friend"

   It's freezing outside. I hear by declare January Nipple Awareness Month.

   On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

   Do I hate people who ask and answer their own stupid questions? Absolutely

   Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it's time and getting to know each one of us personally.

   Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.

   I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.

   If you get cheated on over and over & you decide to stay with that person, You're a fuc&in idiot and deserve everything thats coming to you.

   It is spelled, "you're" an idiot....idiot.

   When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

   Dear Samsung, please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones

   I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.

   If I didn't drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?

   Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?,,,,, Good times........ Good times

   I'm going to start a new trend... Work tailgating. I'll be in the parking lot at 5am every day drinking and grilling. I hope it catches on...

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

   I'm pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and i'll let you know.