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I got fired from my job at the restaurant for putting a load in the dishwasher... she was cute. 
This just in... Kanye West is still alive. Meanwhile we continue to lose really talented artists...
Shouldn't they just put Harriet Tubman's face on EBT cards???
Can we just skip the Aaron Hernandez wide-receiver-tight-end jokes? They are so old and so lame.
If my girlfriend ever suggests we start seeing other people, I'll be doing someone else before she can find her car keys.
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
Having a threesome during Flu season is just asking for trouble..
The difference between me and some other guys: If my significant other cheats on me, their ass will be out the door, no excuses, no second chances.
Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop
I like messing with Texas by calling random numbers in Houston and telling them we've have a problem.
Stop telling me to stop drinking; even the bible says He brews.
Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut? A: Look at this b*tch in the middle trying to act all hard.
When a woman compliments me on my looks, I assume she's ovulating or something.
Ladies; The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: it before
Rest In Peace Mick Jagger - Steve Harvey
My girlfriend bought me a can of Axe bodyspray for my birthday......However, I live in a predominantly black neighborhood so around here we call is Ask.......
The Avengers have Assembled.......and The Dark Knight will Rise.
Heard the Kardashians referred to as "American Royalty" on the radio today.....Currently in the bathroom taking an "American Royalty"
I work hard, because millions on welfare are depending on me. 