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President Obama recently released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama. 
The American Bald Eagle is no longer the National Bird. It has been changed. It is now Obama's middle finger!
Don't worry about Ebola spreading in Dallas. The Cowboys have shown us that people in Dallas can't catch anything.
Hey! I said no pickles! That's it...I wanna speak to the frigg'n McManager!!!
When your electronic device is low on batteries, it has enough to remind you every 3 minutes with loud noises and flashy lights.
I'm one boob, you're the other boob and together...we're Breast friends.
Dear Facebook friend that posts inspirational quotes, your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you
I dropped my laptop in the ocean, So now theres a dell rolling in the deep.
Guess what happened to me last night?????? I had a Dream.......
Kobe Bryant played last night for the Lakers against despite flu like symptoms. Apparently neither team was worried about H1N1 - it's Kobe, he never passes anything.
Teacher asked the class to spell a 12 letter word! Kid Says: Masturbation! Teacher Says: WOW! That's a mouth full!?! Kids says: No! you're thinking of Blow Job.
When I woke up this morning I half expected to find a tiger in the bathroom and a baby in the closet...
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
brought to you by the letters W T F.
making a list of why you suck
My girlfriend asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I replied "your sister." Was that wrong?
I bought a cheese grater for Stevie Wonder. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.
What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Sex
• Here's to our husbands and boyfriends: May they never meet!
LOOK LEFT ------------------------> you failed. 