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One positive lesson I've learned from this missing plane..... I'm going to start dumping my murder victims in the Indian Ocean from now on. 
guys, big red flag when a girl only life accomplishment is being a mom.
We have a presidential election coming up... And I think the big problem, of course, is someone will win.
Just look at China over there in the corner just smiling away !
you know....right now I'm pretty disgusted with MIA....OH, not for giving America the finger....but because we were >this< close to forgetting her annoying ass ever existed....
Sometimes when I'm home alone I cover myself in Vaseline and pretend to be a slug...
Seriously, get off the computer once in a while… smell the roses… volunteer… show your balls to a turtle…
I guess firefighters really get pissed when you call and say your house is on fire and when they show up, you just want your pool filled for the season...
Syed Rizwan Farook and Tashfeen Malik dropped their baby off with its grandmother and told her they had a doctor's appointment. I guess technically, a coronor is a doctor.
SNOWBALL FIGHT !!!"o´¯`❄.¸(░) `O.¸¸.¸. o´¯`❄. ¸(░) `O. ❄。 ¨¯`*✲ ´*。. ❄¨¯`*✲。 ❄*´*。 ✲O. ¸¸. ¸. o´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸¸.✲. ¸. o´¯`¸. o´¯`❄¸ (░) `O. ¸¸. ¸.✲´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸❄。 `O.
I hate when people bring up a mistake you made a long time ago; negroe I was a different person two hours ago. -_-
Thanks Jason Derulo.. Without you, I would never know how to spell S.O.L.O
If zombie's were dyslexic everyone named Brian would be in trouble
says, "Hello Monday..." the same way Jerry Seinfeld says, "Hello Newman..."
My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbour forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible.
I needed to find a donut shop. I didn't want to attempt to start up the GPS on my phone while driving. I followed a cop. It took 4 minutes.
Anytime someone says their going to delete their Facebook remember to ask for goodbye sex first
Well if you have no intention of getting married, Reverend, it's not really Pre-Marital sex, is it?
#ThatAwkwardMoment when you are at a funeral and your phone rings.. you ring tone is "Another One Bites The Dust"
does anyone else only watch the show "Hardcore Pawn" cause they read the title wrong? Asking for a friend. 